N∆TE

every so often i get into this weird stream of consciousness where i begin to question everything i’ve done up to this point in my life. everything.

i then begin to dissect each major decision i’ve made in the last 10 plus years and all the minor ones that ultimately brought about that major one. it’s quite annoying actually, because once the train starts, it doesn’t stop … for a while.

i’ve been on said journey for a little under a week now. i apologized to a friend recently about a random cry for advice and told her “sorry, i was having a moment”. evidently, i’m still having that moment.

so what am i so thoughtful about?

a few years ago i made a decision to end a long term relationship with someone because i felt that we reached a plateau of sorts. we grew as much as we could together and the next step in our evolution wasn’t as obvious for me as it was for her. the fucked up thing was, looking back on it, i couldn’t really pinpoint a reason to break up so i began to create things. became more irritable. used the work too much excuse. used the too needy excuse. yada yada yada. i basically said that we were at different points in our lives and that it wasn’t going to work out. i wanted to be single.

fast forward to 2012. 

i’m not gonna lie. i’m lonely.

i mean, don’t get me wrong. i’m surrounded by amazing people whom i would go to war with any day of the week. my close knit group of friends and family would beat the living shit out of your close knit group of …. never mind. anyway, i’m constantly meeting new people, doing new things, and i enjoy my life thoroughly. but shit gets old and sometimes (a lot of times lately) i wish that i can just call someone to order fucking chinese food and come over to watch parks and recreation reruns or talk about why the black eyed peas are the biggest sellouts in history.

i was talking to my best friend late last week and i told her that i feel that with every chick i meet who tells me “oh you’re dope, you’re different, you’re fun, etc.” i feel more and more detached from my emotions. it’s been a ridiculously fun last few years, but sometimes i look at these people and think “if i never saw you again, i probably wouldn’t care”. sure, there are those select few who have left their mark, but the majority don’t. 

and i don’t want to become some cold, detached, apathetic occupant of this world. i am passionate, caring, empathetic, and I GIVE A FUCK. 

i need to break out of this pattern quick. save me.